How Can Grief Be Good When You Are Grieving?

I'd forgotten the phrase "Good Grief" until I was with a friend talking about a sports match. Suddenly his phone rang. He listened to the message for a few moments, and then said, "Good grief!" and turned to me. "I can't believe it," he said, "My daughter has just won a place at medical school! She told me that she hadn't a chance of success!"

Which set me thinking, later.

Although the phrase "Good grief" is normally just an exclamation of irritation, frustration, or surprise, and never related to bereavement. You often hear someone saying "Good Grief" and think nothing of it.

Yet grief is a wretched, wretched feeling. How can that kind of grief be good? Can it be that there IS anything good about grief and bereavement?

I think there is.

First - in a strange way - grieving helps recovery. You see, we need time to get over the shock and upset of bereavement, and grieving is the vehicle that gets us moving along the highway from pain to acceptance.

Then, grieving can take many different forms. We're all different, and there is no "right" way to grieve. There may patterns of grieving that many people share, but there are differences too. Some people actively seek someone who will listen to them, while other are happy to be solitary and work through their bereavement privately. And yet, these kinds of grief don't sound "good" do they?

So where can we learn about "good" grief, if it exists?

Well, it may be that children can teach us a lot about "good" grief. They cry. They ask questions. They may withdraw into themselves. But often they can allow themselves to be distracted suddenly, and the cares and tearful sorrow disappears. Perhaps as adults we wear grief too heavily, and make it too heavy a burden.

Which is where the word "grief" actually comes from. It has its roots in a French word, "grever" which meant "to burden" and, in turn, that word is descended from the Latin word, "gravis" meaning heavy, or serious.

"Good" grief, to me, is different from "heavy" or "burdensome" grief, when we are overwhelmed, depressed and distraught. While we may feel we are mired in feelings of abandonment and depression, we can perhaps feel our way to "good" grief, which is the acceptance that death is part of our life, that someone we loved has died, but we can still treasure their memory.