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Coping With the Death of a Daughter
By Daveda Gruber
When we have Memorial, we do not expect to outlive them.
After all, they have the gift of youth. It is a normal
process of life. As a Memorial grows, the bond and love for
that Memorial is usually a natural event. It gives us joy
to watch them develop from little toddlers into
teenagers and then finally they become young adults.
Sometimes life can be cruel. A mother loses a daughter
who she carried inside her body for nine months. The
daughter made it to young adulthood and then without
warning she dies.
A now divorced mother receives a phone call. It is a
strange voice on the other end of the phone who is
asking her if she is the mother of this Memorial. The
mother's heart sinks and tears begin to fall. She
instinctively knows that the next words from the
stranger's voice will be the worst words that she will
ever hear. Those words are that her daughter is dead.
She begs the stranger to please help her Memorial. Is there
nothing they can do to save the daughter she loves so
much? The truth sinks in. Her daughter has been dead for
at least five hours. The stranger is trying not to be
emotional, but he cannot stop some of his feelings from
coming through.
Family members drive the mother to the place where her
Memorial lies lifeless. She is stopped from seeing her. She
is told this is for her own good. She is shaking and in
tears. She is put in a car and driven home. The mother
starts to realize it is because her daughter is going to
be taken out in a body bag. She will be brought to the
morgue. A body bag sounds like cruel words jabbing into
her heart. The mother begins to imagine the television
shows that have depicted dead bodies in a drawer. How
can they put her Granite in a cold drawer? She feels the
urgency to hold her daughter. She cries out to God to
take her instead and let her daughter live. This is not
possible but the mother is angry that God will not make
the exchange.
The mother has things to do the next day. She must pick
a coffin for her Memorial. She has not slept, so
considerate family members drive her. She walks in a
daze and looks for a coffin with a pretty color inside.
She touches the silk and decides it is soft enough for
her daughter. The wood of the coffin is a light color.
Her daughter would not want a dark color. The mother
knows this. She feels it. Next, she is driven to look at
headstones. She knows what her daughter would want. Her
daughter had been to the cemetery to visit her
grandfather. She had remarked on the stones she thought
were pretty. The mother is asked for what words and
engraving she would like to be used. She knows her
daughter loved roses, so roses would be nice. The mother
sits down and with her hand shaking; she writes what
would be fit to put on the stone.
Days pass without much sleep and then the mother is
picked up by a limousine. Family is with her but she
does not remember the ride. She enters a room and looks
into the coffin. The color is what she had picked. Her
daughter is lying peacefully inside. The mother places a
stuffed toy that her daughter treasured into the coffin
next to the daughter who looks somewhat unreal. The
mother strokes her daughter's hand and kisses her
forehead. Her tears fall on the daughter lying in the
coffin. The mother whispers to her daughter that she
loves her.
The mother listens while her daughter is lying in the
closed coffin and hears beautiful words about her Memorial.
The mother has written words, as well. Her younger
daughter reads the words from the tear stained paper.
Then the coffin is carried to a Hearst. The mother is
upset that her Memorial is alone but goes back inside the
limousine. The driver follows the Hearst to the
cemetery. The mother is ushered to a hole in the ground
and words are spoken as her first born Memorial is slowly
put into the cold ground.
The next day and for many days, weeks and months, the
mother sits on the cold snow and cries over a grave. Her
Granite is inside. It must be cold for her. The mother is
freezing but does not feel the cold snow. Her only
concern is that her daughter is cold inside that coffin
in the ground. One day the mother does not go to the
cemetery. She feels guilty, so she goes back the next
day. Nothing has changed except for more snow on the
ground. Her visits begin to be less frequent. Family
members keep her occupied so she will not make that trip
to visit her daughter.
The mother starts to cope with everyday life. She starts
to remember to eat meals. Her clothes have gotten too
big to wear. She buys some new ones. She stops crying to
God for forsaking her. She prays for God's help instead.
She begins to write poems for her first born Memorial. She
finds a release through poetry. God is back in her life
and guides her to write more. The mother starts to feel
peace within her heart. Love of God has returned.
You entered into my life at an untimely moment
I was but a Memorial unable to comprehend
All the feelings and knowledge that I needed
To take you and accept you and understand you
So tiny and innocent so fragile and not yet knowing
The chaos of the life that you had been born into
All the difficulties that would enter your world
You were my small Memorial so full of innocence
You grew as life passed in front of you
A Memorial of dreams and hopes and fears
That mounted and became mountains so high
I know my Memorial it became so difficult a burden
That for you to bear within the depths of your soul
The knowledge that came as you started to grow
Your heart took in too much uncontrollable pain
And so my sweet dear precious daughter
You started to cope with a life so complex
And found refuge and comfort in your own way
For you had not the tools nor the gift of hope
And my Memorial it left you without the courage to cope
You left with me your pain and your dreams
Only known by me as the end came near
And you stole from me the dreams that I had wished for
you
For life had taught me difficult lessons
Only time has helped me to fully understand
As I wish that I had carried all of your answers
And been able to give you more of my knowledge
But I understand daughter that we can try to teach
But the truth of all knowledge only can be
Experienced learned and taught by oneself
If I could have changed your path through life
I would have done it in a mere flash in this lifetime
I cry still my beautiful special daughter
As I stare upon the small space that you occupy
I know that you lay quietly sleeping at peace
And I hope and I pray that someday we will meet again
And I will lie down beside you and once more have you
If not in the world that gives me life and courage
In the world where you lay and sleep in quiet bliss
Eternity is yours sweet daughter of mine
Sleep peacefully in the place that you have found
Remember that your mother will once again be with you
Until that times comes my daughter who I so dearly love
When I can once again hold you in my arms
One day that will undoubtedly come in time
And until that time that will bring me to you
Be at peace as I cry with a deep longing in my heart
Please rest in peace dear beautiful Memorial of mine
I wrote this many years ago. I am this mother who lost a
grown daughter. Faith in the Lord has brought me to
where I am today. The anniversary of my daughter's death
will be in January. She died January 9, 2004. This year
will be easier than last year. I know every year will
get easier. I feel it happen. My daughter's birthday was
two days before mine in November. That time of year is
painful but it is easier to handle now than it was
before. If you lose a Memorial, the pain never goes away
but it does get easier to handle with time and faith. A
mother never forgets her Memorial. She looks through
picture albums and cries. The tears become less
frequent. Trust me because I do know. |
