|
Anticipatory Grief Work - What is it
and How Do You Do it?
By Harriet Hodgson
If you're going through anticipatory grief you've
probably heard of "grief work." Health professionals may
use the term without explaining it. Anticipatory grief
is so draining and confusing you may not have a clear
picture of your grief work. What is it? How can you
accomplish it?
First, you have to face and accept the pain and
anticipatory griefis painful work. While you're grieving
you are helping your loved one with end of life tasks:
completing forms, paying medical bills, checking legal
documents, finding safe deposit box keys, distributing
goods, and even home repairs. You may have to make
decisions for a loved one who is no longer capable of
making them.
Self-care is a crucial part of grief work. As you go
about your anticipatory grief work remember to reward
yourself. Take a day off. Have lunch with a friend. Buy
the shirt that was on sale. Sit and do nothing.
Family members can help you with your anticipatory grief
work. Their involvement will not only lighten your load,
it may prevent future discord. Dividing big jobs into
small parts is also helpful. Just as a builder gathers
materials for a construction project, you must gather
materials for your anticipatory grief work. Roll up your
sleeves and get going.
PREPARE YOURSELF MENTALLY. Decide how you're going to
act with your loved one. Mayo Clinic Chaplain Mary
Johnson, in an article called "Interacting With a
Terminally Ill Loved One," thinks you should "let loved
ones be loved ones." Though you can't be your loved
one's physician or counselor, you can be a good
listener. Johnson says you can also "build on the
strengths of the relationship that were in place before
the health care crisis came about."
LEARN ABOUT ANTICIPATORY GRIEF. Helen Fitzgerald,
Training Director of the American Hospice Foundation,
thinks it's important to learn about grief "so you can
identify what you are feeling and have some ideas on how
to help yourself." Hundreds of books have been written
about grief, but few have been written about
anticipatory grief. Check the Internet for anticipatory
grief books and articles. Hospitals and hospices are
also good sources of information.
FACE REALITY. Marin A. Humphrey, RN, MA, a psychiatric
nurse and contributing author for "Loss & Anticipatory
Grief," by Therese Rando, PhD, says you need to face the
reality of impending loss. Your reality may include
saying goodbye to your loved one. "Goodbyes left unsaid,
or not completed in a way that is satisfactory to the
survivor, can be devastating to the grief experiences,"
writes Humphrey.
BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM. This system may include health
professionals, family members, friends in your religious
community, and neighbors. Write their names, phone
numbers, and email addresses in a small notebook and
carry it with you. Put a list of these names and numbers
next to the phone. Your local hospital may have
bereavement support groups. Your religious community may
have grief support groups as well.
SAFEGUARD DOCUMENTS. Anticipatory grief can be so
stressful that you misplace things. Certainly,you don't
want to misplace medical documents, legal documents, or
family papers. Keep these documents in a separate file
drawer and copies of them in a safe deposit box. Your
loved one may also give you written instructions for
disbursing family possessions. You need to safeguard
these documents as well.
MAKE ARRANGEMENTS. Your loved one may have special
requests, such as which hymns to sing at the memorial
service, special readings, and selected photos to
display. Involve other family members in planning
because they will probably have suggestions, too. Social
Services may recommend prepaying funeral expenses. If
you do this, file these receipts with the medical and
legal documents.
THINK ABOUT A NEW LIFE. You never stop missing your
loved one, according to The National Mental Health
Association, but "the pain eases after a time and allows
you to go on with your life." Start to think about this
life now. Donating to health organizations is one way to
remember your loved one. You may purchase books about
your loved one's hobby for the public library. Some
families have created patchwork quilts from their loved
one's garments.
Anticipatory grief work helps to prepare us for a new
life. As Judith Viorst explains in "Necessary Losses,"
loved ones who are gone still enrich our lives.
Identifying with these loved ones helps us to see things
more clearly. "By taking in the dead - by making them
part of what we think, feel, love, want, do - we can
both keep them with us and let them go." |
