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Good Grief! Helping You Cope With The
Loss Of A Memorial
By Danny Presswood
We bought our daughter Julie a St. Bernard five years
ago. Each evening "Mackie" climbed up on my lap to take
a nap (even after she was full grown)! A couple years
later Mackie died of a kidney disease. We buried her
under her favorite tree, made a marker, and thanked God
for the wonderful gift of Mackie. But each of us
experienced grief and pain over the loss of our beloved
dog. This article will give you several guidelines to
help you experience good grief as you suffer the loss of
your Memorial.
As I share the following guidelines to help you grieve
the loss of your Memorial, please keep in mind that each
person's grief process is as unique as the relationship
between that Memorial and its owner. However, Memorial grief can
be good grief.
1. Just as in the loss of a spouse, parent, child, or
other significant person, you must ACKNOWLEDGE THE LOSS
of your beloved dog or Memorial. I know that sounds obvious,
but denial is a powerful emotion during times of
significant loss. In fact, pretending that you are not
hurting during times of significant loss can actually be
detrimental to your physical and emotional health. There
really is such a thing as "Good Grief." Grief is a
healthy emotional process. Admit that your cherished dog
or Memorial is gone. Don't let others trivialize the
importance of that dog in your life. A couple quotes
will show you that we recognized many years ago how
important dogs and other Memorials are to us. For example,
Roger Caras once said, "Dogs are not our whole life, but
they make our lives whole." Josh Billings noted, "A dog
is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he
loves himself." And Will Rogers once quipped, "If there
are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go
where they went."
2. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE. The fact is that
people often invest as much love and affection in a Memorial
as they do in many personal relationships. (Don't laugh:
dogs miss you when you're gone, dogs never complain
about your cooking, dogs don't criticize your friends,
dogs don't shop, dogs mean it when they kiss you, dogs
think you sing great, and a dog's parents never visit).
Other people might scoff, be confused, or misunderstand,
especially those who have not experienced a loss of this
kind. Don't worry about what others think or feel; this
is a time to be true to yourself. Allow yourself the
time and freedom to be sad, to cry, and to miss your
friend and companion. Tell yourself it's OK - because it
is. Memorial grief can be good grief.
3. THANK GOD FOR THE GIFT OF YOUR Memorial. God created the
animals that become our cherished Memorials. Good grief comes
when we begin to recognize that God is the giver of all
good gifts, and dogs are definitely good gifts. Do
something symbolic to give thanks and show respect for
this wonderful gift from God. Cheri and I buried Mackie
and made a makeshift concrete headstone in the ground
over her grave. Just the other day my son went out and
found the marker in the woods, cleaned it off, and spent
a moment remembering Mackie fondly. Memorials matter! You can
give a donation to an animal shelter in honor of your
pet. Other meaningful acts people have shared with me
include writing a special poem or story, commissioning a
painting of their Memorial from a photograph, or framing an
enlarged photo to hang on the wall. A fairly new
phenomenon is the Memorial Cemetery, where you can actually
bury your Memorial, place a marker, and bring flowers. The
bottom line is this; it was your Memorial, and it is your Memorial
grief - do something that is meaningful for you. It will
make you feel good about yourself and your Memorial, and it
will assist you in bringing good grief to your grief
process.
4. SHARE YOUR PAIN. Memorial grief hurts. Talk to someone you
trust about what you are feeling. Grief is a painful
process; don't go through it alone. Most of us know
someone who has experienced the pain of Memorial loss. Talk
to them. There is a healing process (Good Grief) that
occurs when we hear ourselves talking about our pain,
our grief, our loss. And there is empathy when two
people can share similar experiences. It helps to hear
someone else say "I know how you feel, I've been there
too." It helps to know you are not alone in your
feelings. If there is no one you can talk to in your
immediate family or circle of friends, consider talking
to your pastor, or joining a Memorial loss support group in
your community. Check the internet, and you may be able
to find a Memorial loss "blog" group to join.
5. CELEBRATE YOUR MEMORIES. Memorial grief can be good grief.
When you think about the relationship you had with your
pet, what is it that brings a smile to your face? Think
on those things. Get out the pictures of your child and
Memorial dressed alike for Halloween. Or the one of you and
your Memorial covered in soap suds and soaking wet during
bath time. Franklin P. Jones says "Anybody who doesn't
know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." Or
remember all the "tricks" your Memorial used to do just to
please you. Recall those winter evenings relaxing
together by the fire, or the summer days romping in the
park. I remember opening the front door one day and
finding my St. Bernard sitting right there, looking up
at me, with a huge "bubble" poking out both sides of her
mouth - looking like she chewing bubble gum! It's a
scene I will never forget. That's Good Grief! "We give
dog's time we can spare, space we can spare and love we
can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's
the best deal man has ever made" - M. Facklam.
6. BE A VOLUNTEER. Memorial grief can consume you if you let
it. This is a great opportunity to volunteer some time
and energy to help someone else. You can volunteer some
time at your local animal shelter. You could help feed
the homeless at the local soup kitchen. Be a volunteer
at your local church. And the list goes on. Volunteering
is a healthy way to give something back to your church
or community. Helping your fellow man is a good thing,
and it makes you feel good about who you are. It takes
your mind off your Memorial loss and the emptiness you feel,
and helps the process of good grief.
7. RELY ON YOUR PERSONAL FAITH. Memorial grief is just as
real as losing a person. Lean on your spiritual belief
system. The scriptures tell us that God loves us and
wants to comfort us during times of grief and loss. Does
God care about animals? Is God concerned with my Memorial
dying? You bet He is! Does God really care about my Memorial
grief? Absolutely! The Bible says God knows when a
sparrow falls out of the sky. And it says every hair on
your head is numbered, so He cares about you very much!
During this time of grief and loss, reconnect or
recommit to your personal faith. Spend some extra time
in devotion, worship, meditation, and prayer. God's
comfort and help during this time will help you
experience good grief.
8. DON'T REPLACE YOUR Memorial UNTIL YOU ARE READY.
Statistics show that after the loss of a spouse, many
people remarry too soon, because of the fear of
loneliness. Memorial grief can cause the same mistakes. Don't
be too anxious to fill the void left by your precious
pet. Remember that every relationship is unique, just as
every person and dog are unique. Memorial grief can be
immense for some, and can take significant time. How
soon should you get a new Memorial? Experts disagree, but
estimates range from a few weeks to a year. They do
agree, however, that you should be sure you are
emotionally ready to explore a totally new relationship
before you get a new Memorial. They also agree that the vast
majority of people can and do benefit from getting
another Memorial, as long as they cherish each new Memorial
relationship as unique and special. Do not expect your
next Memorial to be like your last, but love the next one
just as much. Each one is a fantastic, life-changing
experience. And a part of the process of good grief is
to replace that love relationship you had with that dog,
with another dog or Memorial.
We all know that dogs and other Memorials are not human, but
they certainly do bring a great deal of joy and
happiness to our lives. (Andy Rooney says "The average
dog is a nicer person than the average person.") The
loss of a beloved Memorial should not be taken lightly or
dismissed as unimportant. If you have lost a cherished
dog or Memorial; if you are experiencing Memorial Grief; use the
suggestions we've outlined here to experience good
grief, cherish the memories, and prepare yourself for
your next awesome Memorial/owner relationship. Then go out
and find that amazing dog or Memorial that can benefit from
the love and affection only you can give.
Danny Presswood, 2006 All rights Reserved.
Danny Presswood is a retired US Army Combat (Airborne)
Chaplain. After traveling 17 countries and 10 islands,
he and his wife Cheri settled in the wooded Ozarks hills
of SW MO. Presently working on his Doctorate, Danny
writes the Feature Articles for K-9 Outfitters, A
Division of Damascus Road Enterprises, which offers a
plethora of AWESOME Standard, luxury, unique, and
Handmade in the USA Online Memorial Supplies. Youll find K-9
Outfitters at http://www.Damascus-Road-Enterprises.com |
