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Grief Support - Moving Forward Through
Grief in Our Daily Lives
By Sandy Brosam
I was asked ~ How do I become bigger than my pain in my
daily life?
My comment would have to be day by day, and sometimes
breath by breath. If I tried to look at my life as "the
big picture" I would run, very fast in the opposite
direction! My journey has been full of great joy, and
intense love, and also incredible and overwhelming pain.
I move forward by living in the present. Along with
other things, it took my 4-year-old son, so excited,
watching ants parade across our sidewalk to help me snap
out of it. He was squatted down so he could get close
enough to see all the legs on the ants, and the goodies
they were packing off (his cookie crumbs) to make me
realize I was missing out on all the joys of teaching my
young child about life. He had total joy and excitement
about this new experience, where I was thinking, darn
ants, where is the ant powder? I looked at him and
realized I was sad and angry, I had no joy or love of
life, I was just existing in my world of pain. I was
just going through the motions, and I was missing out on
living my life.
My little boy was growing up without me because I was
stuck in the pain cycle. I got down on my knees with my
son, and we together shared the joy of watching the ants
parade by.
Many times we make our lives harder than they have to
be. I had withdrawn from everything, including being
present in my daily life. I was going through the
motions, but I wasn't really there. Profound changes in
our lives often happen in an instant, like an accidental
death, but the shift can also be positive. In that
instant I realized I need to be present in this time and
space, and started really watching the ants go by, I
changed my life.
I choose to go down a more positive path, and to be
present in my life. It didn't take me years, but a
fraction of a second. It was not as hard as I thought it
would be. We control our lives with our thoughts. When
we tell ourselves that life is too hard, that we cannot
cope with the grief, we won't. When we tell ourselves
that we are strong enough to move forward through the
grief to live our new lives, we will.
I am a mother--daughter--wife--sister--granddaughter. I
love my family deeply, so when I lose a member of my
family or a close friend, how do I move forward in my
grief?
I can share my thoughts with you on this subject as a
woman who has lost two children in two very different
ways, my mother, grandparents, and close friends. Some
may have lost more people in their lives and some less.
It is not how many people in your lives you have lost,
but in how you react to their loss.
Some people try to soften the impact of the loss with
words, such as they passed away, passed on, were laid to
rest, slipped away...my children died. It was not a
gentle passing, it was raw, and deep, and with great
suffering on my part as well as my family. At some time
in our lives we will all have to deal with grief on a
very personal level. We as a society do not like to talk
about or deal with death openly. Not many of us have the
emotional tools to deal with grief. When we are suddenly
thrown into the deep pain of loss, we are so
overwhelmed. I know I was. I was so young, only 21 years
old when my first son died in a car accident. I was
driving. I had deep guilt, along with empty arms. My
grief consumed me for 4 long years. I could not move
forward, I merely existed in the pain from day-to-day.
Since that first loss I have lost another child, my
mother, my grandparents, and close friends. When someone
asks how I have moved through my grief, I can only say
one day at a time. I lived so long in the darkness of
depression, I do not want to go there ever again, it's
ugly. When someone comments to me "I never knew" I know
I have succeeded in moving forward in my grief. I say
this because I choose to live my life day-to-day in the
present, not the past. I would give anything, especially
my life, to bring my children back, but I can't do that.
So I choose to go on and see the joy life can bring to
my daily life.
I can choose to be sad and cry and withdraw from life,
or choose to find happiness in what my life is now.
So how do I move forward with my grief? The answer,
although painful, is really quite simple. I had to
become bigger than my pain. How did I do that, and how
do I continue to do that? Good question. Simple answer,
baby steps.
Grieving is a process of moving through the pain. I had
to accept that feeling the hurt was necessary, and OK.
The hardest part was to allow myself to let the pain
flow back out of my being. I was afraid to let go of the
pain and feel nothing. I felt if I was feeling the pain,
I was doing what I was supposed to do. The pain became a
part of me, and when it was time to let it go, I was
afraid of letting it go, afraid of the unknown. Who was
I without pain? It had been my constant companion for so
long that letting it go was frightening. How do I move
forward without pain? Can I?
I didn't just wake up one day and say, "OK I am done
with the pain now."
I had to decide that finding joy and happiness in my new
life was acceptable and it did not take away from the
loss of my loved ones. I learned how to bring their
memories into my new life, as a positive force and not a
negative one. I would tell myself remembering this now
brings a smile to my face, reminding me of the love that
remains forever in my heart for them.
I just chose to quit feeling sorry for myself basically.
I was asked how grieving can be considered feeling sorry
for myself...so here are my thoughts. We must move
through the grief, there is no going around it, and
grieving has many so-called "stages." Sometimes we get
stuck, and don't move forward. At this "stuck" point, is
where I found myself at the self-pity party. I was so
wrapped up in how much I hurt, that I didn't see how
much I was hurting my family and friends, by being
stuck. I didn't realize I was feeling sorry for myself
at this "stage."
It took a wise person asking me who I truly was feeling
sorry for? Was I feeling sorry for my children who were
gone and no longer suffering, or was I feeling sorry for
myself? Was I feeling sorry for my surviving children
who will never know their brothers, yes. Was I causing
my children more pain by being stuck in my grief and
being so sad, yes. Could I change that, YES! How did I
do that? Simply by watching the ants on the sidewalk!
So as I reflected upon my life and surviving the deaths
of my children, I vowed to become bigger than my pain to
become the mother, daughter, wife and sister the rest of
my family loved and missed so dearly.
The hardest part was allowing myself to love deeply
again, without fear. Not such an easy task. I quit
holding back and got involved in life again. I allowed
myself to find joy in the simple things with my
children, we played together again, and I found peace
from within. I could sit in the swing on my mothers back
porch with her and watch the sunset and enjoy it. I
would take walks along the river with my husband, and
watch the kids and dog play, and smile with my heart and
face.
So what at first was hard became easy. I was able to
move forward in my grief by living my life one day at a
time. Some days I would not move forward, even a little
backward, but I did grow stronger each day. As time went
by the good days started outnumbering the bad days. I am
moving forward with my grief, on a daily basis, by just
living my life in the present.
As I was moving through my grief I wrote down my
thoughts and feelings, and out of these journals came a
book, written 20 years ago called Love & Courage -
Becoming Bigger Than Our Pain. I pulled it off the
market after 2.5 years, as I was not strong enough to
continue marketing it all on my own. I took on
everyone's pain along with mine, and I was not strong
enough for that. I had to step back and just live my
life for a while, and continue on my journey. Now I have
started writing again, with a bit more wisdom, and
compassion having walked the grief journey for over 30
years now. The sub-title of my first book became my
"mantra" for my life. To move forward through my pain I
had to become bigger.
Our thoughts control our actions, so choose to move
forward through your grief by finding at least one thing
positive each day, and building on that, instead of on
the pain of grief.
Here are some guidelines for stepping back into living
your life.
*Realize you have the power to control your life.
*Choose to be present in your life, not just exist.
*Release the pain, anger, and fear with visualization.
*Allow joy and love back into your life, pull the walls
down.
*Be gentle with yourself, and start smiling again!
*Find happiness in your daily life.
Each day you conquer something you could not the day
before, you are moving forward through your grief and
becoming bigger than your pain! |
