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Grief is Not a Problem to Be Fixed
By Susan L. Fuller
In a culture such as ours, death is often viewed as a
malevolent aberration rather than the normal and natural
outcome of being alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm all in
favor of putting it off as long as possible, but the
brutal fact is that we can't put it off forever. Sooner
or later we will make that passage as will all those we
love.
As sobering as the fact of death is, even more sobering
is the impact of our own denial on those left behind
following the death of someone they love.
In a culture that thrives on quick fixes, grief is often
treated with impatience and scorn. This does a profound
disservice to those who are grieving by instilling in
them a vague sense of shame about their grief. It makes
them question whether there is something wrong when they
don't bounce back to "normal" after the funeral, as if
the funeral were the end of it when anyone who has been
through it knows, the funeral is just the beginning.
Worst of all, this cultural discomfort makes people who
are grieving distrust their own experience. In my work
with people who are grieving, I've heard way too many
people doubt themselves, and worse berate themselves,
because they can't "get a handle" on their grief. This
distrust and denial of the process yields a predictable
result...prolonged pain and incomplete healing.
Rather than seeing grief as the means to healing and
embracing it as such, grief becomes the enemy. Grief is
viewed as a problem to be fixed, something in need of
healing rather than what it is...the means of healing.
Grief is what heals us after a loss. Whether
anticipated, sudden, accidental, timely or not, grief is
the process through which we heal.
Maybe that sounds like semantic nitpicking but it is a
vitally important distinction. Here's why: The problem
is not the grief. The problem is the loss. It's the loss
of someone we love that is causing the pain. Grief is
the process through which we come to terms with that
loss. Is it painful? Of course it is. That doesn't mean
we need to fix it. The interesting thing about pain is
that it increases when we resist it. This is true of
emotional and physical pain. Tightening muscles around
physical pain increases the experience of pain. Trying
to block emotional pain intensifies the pain and sends
it spiraling out of control.
Human beings are miraculous creatures. When we
experience suffering, as in the death of someone we
love, we have an innate capacity to heal from that loss
just like we have an innate capacity to heal from a
broken bone. Grief is every bit as natural to us as the
knitting of a bone. There are certainly ways to support
the process...writing, telling stories, creating rituals
to name a few...which can be quite effective when used
in support of the grieving process, not in denial of it.
When grief is denied, rushed, or scorned, the whole
mechanism of healing ceases to function. We are designed
to heal. We can't deny the process nor can we improve
upon it. Grief, when we trust it, knows exactly what we
need in order to heal. It is a most trustworthy
companion when we possess the wisdom to follow it.
Susan L. Fuller is the author of 'How to Survive Your
Grief When Someone You Love Has Died'. She is a grief
expert who has facilitated bereavement support groups,
provided follow up bereavement services for hospice
families and trained hospice volunteers . She is
licensed in Massachusetts as a Licensed Mental Health
Counselor.
For more information, go to:
http://www.surviveyourgrief.com |
