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How Long Does Grief Last?
By Maureen Hunter
Sleep was the only peace I had. When I woke in the
morning, if I was lucky, I had about two seconds of
peaceful awareness before I remembered again that my son
had died. It was the same every morning for weeks and
weeks. Now, nearly four years on I can't actually
remember when that morning feeling of dread disappeared.
It just did...somehow.
I wanted to know that answer too. I needed to know how
long the intense and debilitating pain, the fresh pain
of grief and loss was going to last. I needed some
timeline in order that I could somehow traverse the
hours, days and weeks hopefully to a time when I would
feel better, when the tears would stop, just a little. A
friend gave me a lifeline, an old copy of an Edgar Cayce
book on crisis. There it was in black and white. A major
crisis will take three months minimum before you can
begin to feel any semblance of order again in your life.
If only it were three months. Even though that
estimation was in no way the end of my grief, it did
give me hope that the terrible pain I was experiencing
would not last forever and I can honestly say it hasn't.
Our emotions are raw and ragged in the early days of
grief, but over time the intensity of feelings change
and evolve as the days move on.
What I have learned about grieving is it takes so much
longer than we think or expect and depends on so many
different things. This can include your relationship to
your loved one, the support networks you have, your
personality and any previous losses. It is different for
everyone and we can swing backwards and forwards on an
emotional pendulum as our feelings fluctuate from moment
to moment. Good days will be interspersed with awful
days of longing, missing and sadness. Days where you
wallow and cry, surrounded by a stack of scrunched up
tissues. There are times when it can feel like you are
wandering around in a dream like state of disbelief, as
if they were never in your life at all, and then it
becomes real again and the pain returns. That is normal
- that is grief.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross famously describes the stages of
grief but I prefer William Wordens premise that to heal
from grief we must:
1. Come to terms with the reality of the loss
2. Experience the pain of grief - feel the feelings
3. Adjust to a new environment without our loved one
4. Reinvest emotional energy in life
How we do that and when is something that only you will
discover and determine for yourself on your own journey
through grief. Dealing with grief is different for
everyone and it is not a simple process. The terrain is
complicated and unpredictable, but you will do it. You
are much stronger than you think.
On my own journey the first year was the hardest. The
memories of those early times recede, but when coaxed
spring easily to mind. The never ending tears, the
feeling of acute and raw emotional and physical pain. I
described to a friend that my heart was hanging out of
me in tatters, and that's truly how it felt. I recall
the terrible longing for him that could never be
satisfied. Then there was the torrent of unpredictable
and intense emotions: the shock, disbelief, anger and
guilt. I struggled to cope with the minutiae of life and
the insensitivities of others, and my intolerance for
their trivialities. As a friend said, it was a year of
firsts. The year of having to face birthdays, holidays
and the dreaded anniversary date, my new environment and
one that I never ever wanted.
I cannot say how long grief will last, but I can say
that the intensity of grief does soften over time; you
will not feel that raw and frayed emotion for ever. It
does change. Crying lasts but might be less frequent and
sometimes catch you by surprise when you thought you had
cried as much as you ever could. Gradually the sun will
come out again and you will start to take pleasure in
the little things. Small things may bring a smile and
one day you will forget just for a moment and in that
moment you will begin to heal as you re-engage in life
once more.
Your life will be changed forever, as a result of your
loss, sometimes in ways you could never have envisaged
and looking back you will not believe that you are and
have survived. There is no end to this grieving journey;
each day is a journey in itself. Grieving is a solitary
excursion but we are not alone; our loved ones are with
us, in our hearts where they will stay forever. |
