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Taking Grief Myths in Stride
By Harriet Hodgson
Grief myths were not on my radar screen until I lost
four loved ones in nine months. Multiple losses made me
aware of the grief myths that exist. There are lots of
them and, as I discovered, there is a difference between
myth and reality. One myth is that all grief is the
same. This myth is false. My grief is unique and and no
one's grief is just like mine.
Some of the myths I have encountered are painful. One
myth is that I should be finished with grief in a year.
This myth is false and goes against grief research.
Another myth is that everyone deals with grief the same
way. People grieve in similar ways, but they do not
grieve in identical ways.
Therese A. Rando, PHD, lists 15 common myths on the
inside cover of her book, "How to Go on Living When
Someone You Love Dies." These myths can make the grief
process more difficult, she says, and create unrealistic
expectations for recovery. What's more, grief myths may
stop mourners from getting the help they need.
The National Funeral Directors Association discusses
myths in a website article by Victor M. Parachin, "Ten
Common Myths and Realities About Grief." Myth number
two, "You look so well," caught my attention because I
hear it often. Bereaved people look the same on the
outside, the article notes, but inside they are
experiencing a wide range of emotions and the "feelings
are intense and confusing."
The article cites another myth, "It was the will of
God," and I have faced this myth. But as the article
points out, "Life provides minimal support but God
provides maximum love and comfort." Rabbi Harold S.
Kushner discusses a similar myth in "When Bad Things
Happen to Good People." The myth: "God must love you to
have selected you for this burden."
Kushner compares this myth to Job's suffering and says
it is like rubbing salt into an open wound. One problem
with myths myths is that we hear them when we are
hurting and vulnerable. "The goal of religion should be
to help us feel good about ourselves when we have made
honest and reasonable, but sometimes painful choices in
our lives," Kushner writes.
I have heard other myths, too, myths that cut to the
bone because they are so painful. If you are grieving
for a loved one you have probably heard similar myths.
How can you respond to them? While I cannot speak for
you, I can tell you how I responded. I decided to stick
to facts and not myths. This led to extensive research
about loss and grief. The other decision I made was to
ignore myths. When someone shares a myth with me I thank
them for caring and cast the myth from my mind.
The truth is that death is part of life. This is not a
myth. We see this in changing seasons, budding branches,
blooming flowers, and the birth of animals in the
spring. There is hope in this truth. You and I can do
our grief work, craft new lives, and life our lives to
the fullest. We do not need myths to do this. Rather, we
need to believe in the miracle, the beauty, and the
sacredness of all life. |
