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Dealing With Death
By Amit Sodha
The debate about what happens after death will continue
well into this century but I have no doubt that one day
soon we will have, not just the technology, but the
ability to know and go beyond at will. My personal
beliefs aside, I believe there is way too much evidence,
of the afterlife, for non-believers to try and dismiss
altogether.
I wanted to share a little bit about what I have
experienced around death, my personal beliefs about
death, some additional challenges you can expect and how
to deal with them. Also, how to cope with the loss and
most importantly how you can turn the tragedy into
something more than just a painful experience; more like
a blessing than a curse.
Earlier this month my sister, Sheila, passed away. She
was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago but opted
not to have conventional treatment. She chose to take
alternative forms of treatment but didn't always follow
through with them.
In the last 8 weeks my sister couldn't eat and in the
last 3 weeks or so should could barely hold down
liquids. She passed away at hospital while my father was
with her which was appropriate as he spent the last four
weeks staying with her full time to care for her.
I consider myself very lucky in many ways as, a month or
so earlier, I was with John Demartini at his
'Breakthrough Experience' weekend in London and we
conducted a process called the 'Quantum Collapse'. We
were asked to select a person that had pushed our
buttons or challenged us in some form and chose that
person for the task. My sister had indeed pushed my
buttons and I hers but none the less we had a lot of
love for each other and a good understanding of the
others needs. The process enabled me to feel more
gratitude and love for me sister and in many ways I feel
the reason that I have been able to let go much easier.
It was even more so the case because a few months prior
to her passing, I was at her house in the morning before
work, and we ended up having a heated argument. I
remember I called into work that day to let them know
that I wouldn't be in and Sheila and I continued our
discussion. It was because of that day that we both
gained a greater understanding and appreciation of each
other. It all ended with smiles and laughter. As far as
people go Sheila and I were both totally different
individuals, at opposite ends of the scale you might go
as far to say.
Most importantly for me I don't believe in death. I only
believe in death so far as the body becoming a corpse
but the soul continuing it's journey. Technically even
the body doesn't die. The matter and energy remain
constant but changes it's form or presentation. The
ashes are still billions of atoms that were once the
vehicle for my sister.
The body itself, whilst alive, is constantly changing.
You are not the same person you were two years ago. You
are 100% brand new! Every atom and every cell has
changed and the thing the maintains the memories and
persona is the soul. Even though deep down I know all
this to be true when the death first occurs you cannot
help but feel saddened, grief and shed a few tears.
When it happened I was unaware as I was driving to the
hospital. As I walked into the room I asked my dad how
she was and that's when he told me that she had passed
away. Naturally there was the initial shock to deal and
so my dad and I sat with her for a couple of hours
before her body was taken away. For a small portion of
that time I decided to keep myself occupied so I started
to call the family and inform them of what had happened.
Later that evening my family and I had had the chance to
all go and see the body together in the morgue which was
important as it allowed us all to grieve together. Over
the course of the next few days I had to take various
family members to the morgue and so I spent a lot of
time with the body. I considered this a blessing as it
allowed me to almost become immune to the emotional
effects of seeing the body. Towards the end just before
she passed away she did look very ill but after passing
away her body looked incredibly peaceful so that was
another reason I didn't feel the effects as much. She
did have a large lump on her forehead crossing over into
her scalp but after she passed the lump seemed to
disappear.
When looking at a dead body you can't help but feel that
any second the person in front of you is going to wake
up. Another thing that people often notice or observe is
that the body appears to breathe. That is not the first
time I've seen that on a dead body.
My parents are hindu and so we observed the hindu
tradition of doing the 13 days of prayer. Every evening
family would gather and we would sing hindu prayer
hymns. The purpose of the prayers is to give the soul a
peaceful passing. During the day of the funeral we had
an open casket and the priest who came did a traditional
hindu ceremony. My brothers and I adorned her body with
little bits of blessed food, flowers and new clothes and
then after which the body was cremated.
We also decided to dedicate a song to her so we chose a
song called 'Joy' by Blackstreet and Marvin Gaye. I
remember on the day that my sister passed away I was
driving to the studio to do my radio show as normal and
I heard that song on the radio which I hadn't heard in
years. I just thought "what a beautiful song; I've got
to get my hands on a copy". A few days later I found
that song on Sheila's phone, it was one of only a
handful of songs on her phone and it just seemed perfect
to dedicate to her. If you are ever in this situation
you may also experience certain synchronicities that
occur. Call them accidents, call them coincidences; I
can assure you they are much more than just that.
Initially death can bring people closer together but
just as quickly it can also drive a wedge between
people; again something I've seen first hand. The beauty
of death is that is can remind you to live. Death will
initially increase the value of life and will often get
people to re-evaluate life. It's a time when you will
feel like making some sharp decisions about your life
and it's good to act quickly to follow through since the
sense of urgency is quite fresh in your mind.
If we could remember that thought and feeling throughout
our lives, about just how short life is, then think of
where your life would be today? How would your life be
different? How would you treat people differently
knowing that tomorrow they might not even be there?
Suddenly you start to appreciate those around you more.
You start to feel grateful for what is already in your
life rather than thinking about what more you could
have.
After my sister passed away, my two closest friends, on
separate occasions both said the same thing to me: They
both said: "A death of a close relative will always
reveal peoples true colours." They weren't wrong! You
would think that a death would bring out the sympathetic
side of people but I've seen it bring out the most
selfish side in people you will ever see. It will add to
the challenge of dealing with the grief and all you can
do is handle it honestly. There is no point in holding
back your opinion especially if it's just to pacify
people. Speak your mind and let people know why. Once it
is said and done go within and offer your gratitude to
those people for helping you to grow. That is their sole
purpose. Revealing to you a side of yourself you have
yet to love. It of course flows both ways but they might
not know that. You cannot control the reaction of
others, only you can choose how you deal with the way
others react.
Over time thoughts will come into you mind and you will
realise there are things to deal with. The big thing of
course is money. Anytime the subject of money comes
along again I believe it also reveals the true colours
of any individual. If you were especially close to the
person then dealing with any estates and money can bring
fourth guilt and that is completely natural. If
anything, if you feel guilt, it is a testament to your
character. However you feel know that you are just doing
what needs to be done.
Dreams and memories are another big thing that will be a
big impact on you over the grieving period. I said to
someone recently the purpose of us have an ability to
let our memories fade is so that the pain eases. If we
had perfect recall then we would always experience the
pain. No one likes to admit that they are forgetting the
person or that the pain is easing but it will as your
habit of recalling those memories will lessen. Having a
strong focus and purpose in life will naturally also be
of benefit to you and will assist the process of knowing
any tragedy, no matter how great can also bring with it
and equally powerful blessing. I know that this point
will be a tough pill for most people to swallow but all
you need to do is look for them.
I don't just believe, I know that although you will no
longer be with your loved one physically, they will
continue their journey and you will always be connected
with them spiritually. Just last night my mother saw an
apparition of Sheila and I had a dream about her. That
connection is something that is intangible and can never
be broken. Ultimately we are all connected but naturally
you will feel an affinity to those who you've shared a
journey and I believe that sharing having a much deeper
purpose. You shared a journey with that soul for a
reason and it is for that reason that you will be
reunited with them in some form or fashion in the
future.
Above all there is one key message here I wish to share
with people. I want you to know that death is something
we must all face whether that be as a participant or a
witness to. Know that it is on it's way and live your
life accordingly. Prepare for it, for it is less likely
to come unexpectedly to those who know it is never far
away. Those who truly understand death will be the kind
of people who live according to that dharma and shine as
a result. They will act as if there is no tomorrow and
will live life passionately and purposefully without
taking it too seriously. So be grateful for the present
moment as it is the only true fragment of time by which
we can live and act.
Amit Sodha is a Life Coach, Comedian, Radio Presenter
and a writer. You can find out more about him and his
work here - http://www.unlimitedchoice.org/blog |
