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Grief - Debunking a Dozen Myths About
Multiple Losses
By Harriet Hodgson
If you are mourning for a loved one you have heard grief
myths. These myths are created by people who want to
avoid thinking about death or talking with those who are
grieving. I encountered many myths after four members of
my family -- my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and
former son-in-law -- died within nine months.
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, Ms, FT talks about myths and
misconceptions in her article, "Loss and Grief: Myths
and Realities." According to Dyer, myths make the
bereaved person's life more difficult and painful. "This
misinformation may actually hinder the recovery process
by not allowing the grieving person to be supported by
an understanding family and friends," she writes.
Multiple losses are deaths that happen at once (as with
a plane crash), sequentially, or in a short span of
time. Little has been written about the myths associated
with multiple losses. Here are some of the myths I
encountered during two years of mourning. All of the
myths are powerful. All of the myths are false.
1. People who have suffered multiple losses grieve the
same way as those who have suffered one. The truth: Each
person's grief is unique. The grief of multiple losses
is so unique that the mourner may feel isolated and
alone.
2. Mourning has predictable, sequential stages and those
who have suffered multiple losses experience these
stages in order. The truth: The grief of multiple losses
is unpredictable. It bounces around and leapfrogs to
various people and issues.
3. Those who have suffered multiple losses grieve for
their losses all at once. The truth: The mourner grieves
individually for the deceased. One day it may be a
child, another day it may be a parent.
4. Recovering from multiple losses takes six weeks or
so. The truth: It takes years to come to terms with
multiple losses. Many grief experts call this process
reconciliation.
5. Keeping the grieving person busy makes his or her
grief go away faster. The truth: Mourners need a break
from grief now and then, but must continue with their
grief work -- accepting the reality and permanence of
death.
6. Death is death and the nature of loss does not change
the mourning process. The truth: The type of death,
sudden or expected, affects the mourning process. The
cause of death, a car accident, long-term illness, AIDS,
murder, suicide, natural disaster, and other causes,
also affects mourning.
7. You should avoid talking about multiple losses with
the bereaved. The truth: People who have suffered
multiple losses need to talk about their loved ones. Not
talking about their deceased loved ones puts the mourner
at risk for emotional implosion.
8. If the bereaved person is still talking about his or
her losses years after they occurred, that person is
stuck in grief. The truth: It takes longer to recover
from multiple losses than one loss.
9. Crying months later, a year later, or two years later
is a sign of weakness and self-pity. The truth: Long
after tragedy the mourner may have anniversary
reactions, holiday reactions, and other reactions to
multiple losses.
10. People who have suffered multiple losses grieve for
death only. The truth: Each death creates dozens of
secondary losses, such as the loss of support, loss of
companionship, loss of a home, and loss of neighborhood.
While the bereaved is grieving for the deceased, he or
she is also grieving for secondary losses.
11. Multiple losses cause emotional responses only. The
truth: Multiple losses are an attack on mind, body, and
spirit. The physical responses to multiple losses
include interrupted sleep, nightmares, sleep
deprivation, memory problems, loss of appetite,
susceptibility to infection, run-down physical
condition, hallucinations, situational depression, and
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
12. Grief finally ends for those who have suffered
multiple losses. The truth: You never get over multiple
losses; you learn to live with them. |
